Demystified.
The Losers Table is a weekly NFL guessing game.
It is easy to play
reverse-survivor league
not fantasy football
we’ll text your available teams
You wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Taco Bell?
Calling all freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, JV jocks, Asian nerds, cool Asians, varsity jocks, unfriendly black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks, and even The Plastics.
Join us at The Losers Table.
The Losers Table is a Mean Girls inspired weekly NFL guessing game.
Of course.
Last year, we called this game Dead Pool, but with Deadpool and Wolverine smashing box office records, they don’t exactly scream "losers" anymore.
So, this year, we’re taking game name inspiration from people who will forever be at the bottom: the Burnouts at The Losers Table.
Let’s face it—this reverse-survivor league always had a bit of a Mean Girls vibe, anyway.
“All he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.”
The Losers Table is a way to tangentially trick yourself into having a modicum of interest in the NFL… besides the Saints. Why would you care? Following the NFL is an emotional rollercoaster, just like the Burn Book. There are highs, lows, and everything in between, and it’s impossible not to get caught up in the drama.
Unlike Girl World, The Losers Table doesn’t have a lot of rules.
Each week you pick one NFL team that you think is going to lose. That’s it! (That’s not it.)
Two more quick things:
1) Repicking a team is like ex-boyfriends, off-limits. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism!
2) You picked a winner? Ugh, you can’t sit with us anymore.
Make sure the team you pick isn’t off for the week. It's like wearing a tank top over a long-sleeve shirt—it's just not right.
On Wednesdays we make picks.
Every Wednesday I’ll text you to remind you to pick. You’ll have until the last kickoff of the week to reply with your pick de la semaine. You can't pick a team from a game that's already started. It's, like, the rules. Duh!
“It’s like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain.”
There is no experience necessary. You can do tons of research or just text in a team name each week.
“And with that, the winner of the state championship is... North Shore Mathletes!”
The last player remaining gets a t-shirt that is too small for them, like my cousin {name redacted} did last year.
“There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.”
We have a new one tie all tie rule that we’re implementing this year:
If all remaining players pick a winner in the same week, then not only do we restart the game for them, but for EVERYONE. It’s either that or a dance off to Jingle Bell Rock.
If there is no winner at the end of the regular season, players will continue to pick in the playoffs and team choices will be reset.
Everyone who throws a perfect game (no winners in the regular season, playoffs and Super Bowl) is crowned all-time Spring Fling King or Queen (their choice) and will be taken to Sweden for some Kalteen Bars.
“You go Glen Coco!”
I ask that the winner keep picking even after they’ve won that way everyone else can keep picking and play ‘coulda shoulda woulda’ throughout the season. Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch.
Get in, Loser!
Text your real name and a nom de plume to 504.581.5652 by Wednesday September 4th.
Your name and phone number will be kept private, but your pseudonym and game results will be visible on the world wide web.
“Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.”
Do you know what would be fetch?
If you could share this game with your friends.
Yes, sharing it decreases your odds of winning, but still, it will be even more satisfying when you beat them. Have them go to thegamebureau.com/loser or scan the QR code. That will take them to this page.
Here’s your elevator pitch when they ask, “What is this?”:
“It’s a mash-up game that’s a cross between a football survivor pool and a twenty-year-old movie! It’s grool... I meant to say cool, and then I started to say great."
If they refuse, say, “I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this."
Channel your inner Regina George and get ready for some NFL burn book action, because in this game, you either pick losers or you are one. Every week, select one NFL team you know is going down faster than Karen’s math grades—text your pick to 504-581-5652 before the game starts, because if you forget, "Boo, you whore," you're out faster than a Glen Coco candy cane on Christmas. Don’t worry, though—we’ll text you a reminder every Wednesday, because just like we wear pink on Wednesdays, we also pick our losers. You’ve got from Wednesday until kickoff on Monday night to make your choice, but if you wait that long, you might be left scrambling like Cady trying to find the limit at the Mathletes finals. And remember, you can only pick each team once all season, so choose wisely, Mathlete, or you’ll be as irrelevant as Fetch. May the worst team lose—or you'll be as out as last season’s velour tracksuit!
That definitely says ‘Losers Table, not ‘Loser Stable”, but holy Seabiscuit, that’s a good theme for next year. It’s either that or Hamilton: “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?“.